the myth of finding ‘the one’
Let me start off with an apology: I’ve been a little off schedule with the newsletter. Life has gotten busy but I’ve got some fun content planned for the weeks ahead. That being said, this week, I’ll be discussing one of the reasons I’ve been MIA: wedding planning.
I got engaged in March and my fiancé and I have started planning the major parts of our wedding, like the location, the venue, the guest list. And of course, my dress. I did pageants for a long time and have been around hundreds of gorgeous gowns, so I have definitely thought about what I’d want my wedding gown to be.
I also used to watch Say Yes to the Dress (though I haven’t watched in years) and would marvel at the extravagant and expensive dresses brides-to-be would say yes to as they stood in the middle of Kleinfeld’s showroom. If you’re not familiar with Say Yes to the Dress, it goes a little something like this: A bride comes in with a huge entourage looking for her dream dress. Every time she walks out of the dressing room and onto the little platform in front of huge mirrors, her friends and family ooh and ahh. A sister or mother in law will make a judgmental comment. A mom will side eye a low cut bodice. Pnina Tornai willappear, seemingly out of nowhere, and convince a bride to buy a $10,000 diamond cupcake gown. Someone will cry and Randy will ask, “Are you saying yes to the dress?”
Most episodes follow this formula.
Because of Say Yes to the Dress, many brides — including myself — are led to believe wedding dresses are like soulmates — there’s only one perfect gown out there for you. And to find it, you need five to 10 people with you to help you decide.
Well, after purchasing my gown last week, I can officially tell you that, shocker, television is not reality and if anything, having expectations of finding the one will do you more harm than good.
Before I even stepped foot in a bridal shop, I had a very clear idea of what I wanted. I had around 10 specific dresses I wanted to try on at my various appointments. I felt confident in what I wanted … until I started asking other people what they thought of what I wanted to try on and what they wanted to see me in. Suddenly, I started to feel less sure. Everyone hypes up that you need to look absolutely flawless on your wedding day, and if you get the wrong dress, you’re setting yourself up for a life of hating your wedding pictures.
Thankfully, my first appointment, at Lovely Bride in Charleston, was with one of my close friends, who is very chill and very supportive. When we got to the store, I stuck to the style of dress I wanted, not what everyone else wanted to see me in. And the first dress I tried on was exactly what I wanted. I didn’t cry or scream, but I just felt really good and beautiful in it. I left the store sure that I was going to buy that dress when I got back to New York and was able to show it to my mom IRL ….
… But then I went to my other appointment, at Grace Loves Lace in Soho, and fully changed my mind like the chaotic Gemini I am and bought a different dress. It wasn’t some magical moment. The GLL dress just fit better and felt more me. My stylist, Becca, was amazing and didn’t pressure me at all and I actually tried on a few other really nice ones before ultimately deciding. And that’s the point I’m trying to get to: There is no such thing as the dress! There are probably a hundred different dresses out there that would make me feel great on my wedding day. I feel like a lot of people get caught up in trying to find the perfect dress, thinking it’s going to be this made for TV moment, and then feel discouraged when that doesn’t happen. Shopping for your wedding gown is supposed to be fun — don’t let anyone or any show ruin that for you.
So, after going to three bridal shops (I had to go to another appointment after I bought my dress because I would be charged for canceling), here are some tips for wedding dress shopping:
Before you go shopping, map out a few styles/dresses you like.
I made Pinterest board (how cheugy of me) organizing the specific dresses I wanted to try on. I stuck to about two silhouettes. When I started looking at too many different styles, I got really overwhelmed. In total, I tried on only about 10 dresses. The more you try on, the more confused you will be.
Be ready to not like a dress you loved online once you try it on.
Unfortunately, most bridal dresses still only advertise on a certain body type (tall, thin, usually white). This makes it really hard to know what a dress will look like on your body. I would never recommend buying a dress without trying it on first!
Don’t bring a bunch of people to your appointment!
My first appointment, I went with just one person. My second one was with my mom and sister and my third one, I went alone. Bringing too many people will lead to you doubting yourself and what you want. Also, only bring people you know will be supportive. Leave the judgmental ones behind and show them pictures after the fact.
Don’t feel like you need to spend a fortune.
The minimum price of a dress at Kleinfeld (where Say Yes to the Dress is filmed) is $2,000. People will say, “that’s not a lot for a wedding dress!” but it actually is for something you are going to wear once. If you’re not comfortable spending thousands on a dress, don’t! Before I bought my dress, I was open to buying a used one (stillwhite is a great site for pre-owned dresses). You can get a dress from a sample sale or rent one. Don’t buy into the wedding industrial complex that says you need that $5,000 chantilly lace gown.
In the coming weeks and months, I’ll be writing more about my experience planning a multicultural and interracial wedding and sharing tips I’ve learned along the way. Just wait until I get into how little hair inspiration there is for Black brides who want to wear their hair natural for their wedding!
Are you planning your wedding? Let me know in the comments if there’s anything specific you’d like me to cover!
'Say Yes to the Dress' lied to you
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